Brett H's Halloween Hangover

Submitted by: Brett H.   Date : 2021-12-26 02:24
Editor's note: Brett H. lives! And he actually sent this over just before Halloween, but, as you've probably noticed, productivity here at OTH has slowed to a crawl due to work obligations, the holidays, and just life in general. But I figure if there's any time to have a good old Halloween hangover, it's now, during the fine Canadian tradition known as Boxing Day. Something tells me my Canadian counterpart won't mind because he's probably still having a couple of drinks for Christmas.

Brett H. Edit: I was at work promptly on time on Boxing Day.

10. The Toxic Avenger (1984)
    How the hell do you not give a poor bastard like Lloyd Kaufman a bone and invite him over for Halloween? Fuck, if you have a mop and some goop on your head, you're in business. The Toxic Avenger is a Halloween season diamond in the rough.

9. The Golden Years (1991)
    You've seen everything from Let the Right One In to the new Annabelle? I rented The Golden Years at least three times because it was a double VHS and to this day I have never watched it. And that is badass. If you're like me and only rented it because you got to strut your ass out of the store with an extra tape, please wear a mask as this is in fact the movie that inspired COVID-19.

8. Head of the Family (1996)
    You know... Full Moon needs some Halloween list love. I don't think I've ever actually liked a single movie they've done, but I've got 'em in bunches in the collection. Even if you just pull 'em out and look at the cover art and pass the time reminiscing about how you never ever rented any of those pieces of shit, nor the Silent Night, Deadly Night flicks, but aggressively tried to collect them after the fact, this is the one for you. Even I never bought Head of the Family but in the same store that Halloween season of '98, I also passed on Twitch of the Death Nerve. Mistakes were made as proven by my most anticipated film at the time, Jason X.

7. Witchcraft XII (2004)
    Speaking of Full Moon, remember those Witchcraft movies? You've probably got 2 or 3 in the attic somewhere just waiting to be enjoyed, but only 1 through 6 are any good. The rest suck. Avoid them at all costs this Halloween except whatever one is 7th on this list.

6. Omen IV (1991)
    You know, this one is actually criminally underrated for a TV movie. I don't remember shit about it, but I know I liked it a lot. It's only good if you bought it on VHS like I did though.

5. Scary Movie (2000)
    Watching your mom laugh her ass off while Marlon Wayons trims pubic hair with a gasoline hedgetrimmer isn't the ideal way to spend the night at the drive-in. But the next time, it was Spider-Man, Harry Potter and Mr. Deeds the night before she had heart surgery which really fucking sucked even worse than that triple bill. So fuck yeah, one can't miss Scary Movie on this or any other Halloween. It's even better in 8K

4. The new Halloween
    I'm gonna have to go to this tomorrow night at the theatre to keep my sister happy and it better not fucking suck.

    (Editor's note: Brett H. later informed me that Halloween Kills did not fucking suck and he eagerly anticipates Halloween Kills.)

3. Halloween Havoc (1992)
    Spin the Wheel, Make the Deal. Nothing says Halloween like a Coal Miner's Glove match... WHAT IN THE HELL IS HARRY WARDEN DOING IN WCW, LARRY?!

2. Jason Goes to Hell (1993)
    I used to picture the films that exemplified the Halloween season as gothic horrors. Universal classics. You know who is the real master of the season? Stephen fucking King. I have always championed Stephen King's characterization of, well, people actually being people in his otherworldly tales of horror he has created to be the reason above all the madness that makes him great. What does this have to do with Jason Goes to Hell? Not a fucking thing, but I used to watch it on WGN on Halloween morning skipping school after Graveyard Shift. Those good natured Stephen King written characters? The ones who have the bullshit cup of flour and a few eggs when you're in a pinch? Those are the types I find myself sparking up a number or pulling a beer out of my pocket for at their doorstep after stuffing a youngen's pillowcase full of treats. Just a shootin' the shit about the old days.

1. Ghost Story (1981)
    As the much youngest in a family of older cousins, I still managed to stay up the latest, even at 6 or 7 years old. The memory I inherited from this valentine of the time where the greatest thing was renting catalog scary movies from the video store has never left me. The lovely Alice Krige haunted me for reasons I couldn't possibly understand then and I don't really care to question now. Spoiler alert; the ending of the film involved Alice's ghost trapped beneath the boards of a crumbling mansion, forever tormenting her screaming phantom. Her cries were excruciating, terrifying, yet sympathetic and gorgeous. 15 years later, I eagerly awaited seeing this ending once again from a used shitty old VHS tape. Turns out, all I remembered of the movie I held so fondly was the nightmare it brought me that night as a child. I would love to watch Ghost Story again. I won't. I'm sticking with the version only I have ever seen. It's a shame there's no way to share it.
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