Written and Directed by: Tim Swartz
Starring: Lolita Langsuir, Stephanie Bloode, and Theda Baire
Reviewed by: Brett G.
All the Gore thatís Unfit to Watch!
Some movie titles just speak for themselves. If anything, you know exactly what youíre getting from Barely Legal Lesbian Vampires; throw in the Curse of Ed Wood subtitle, and everything is made all the more clear. I will say one thing: there definitely are lesbians and vampires, but even Ed Wood is probably rolling in his grave after seeing his name attached to this atrocity.
Lillith and her lesbian lover arenít getting along, as theyíre squabbling about whether they should get more serious in their relationship. After an argument, Lillith goes walking around with a long face, which attracts the attention of Carmilla, another lesbian who practically professes her love for Lillith minutes after meeting her. The two head off to Carmillaís castle, where she reveals herself; oh, she also confesses to being a vampire. Meanwhile, Lillithís jilted lover meets Muffy the vampire slayer, and the two set out to destroy Carmilla once and for all. Oh, and this entire story is narrated by some guy calling himself Uncle Creepo, and heís hanging out in a graveyard invoking the spirit of Ed Wood to rescue his film.
Sadly, Ed Woodís presence could have likely improved this mess. This movie is so bad that it actually makes an evening full of the Woodís flicks seem charming by comparison. Sink your fangs into that for a second. I donít think thereís any real clever way to relate just how poor this movie is; sure, it lives up to its billed premise, but the movie is just another excuse for some guy to wrangle up a bunch of girls and have them rub against each other in a sensual manner. The only problem is that itís not sensual, and itís certainly not erotic; instead, itís just laughably bad. Thereís an attempt to spice things up: two gals take a literal blood bath, and thereís also a weird bondage scene, complete with a gimp. Unfortunately, thereís no Bruce Willis nearby to come in and slay it, and youíre forced to watch these seemingly interminable S&M exploits in their entirety.
There are moments when the film remembers that itís telling a story (I use that term loosely), and weíre stuck with amateur hour acting and dialogue thatís more wooden than a stake. I wouldnít be surprised if everyone involved was just a friend or acquaintance of the director; at any rate, itís clear that no oneís been to acting school (or, if they have, they certainly flunked out). I know, criticizing the acting in a softcore skin flick is like saying water is wet, but itís not like the flick tries to be good at anything else. The effects (gore and otherwise) are laughable, as they basically amount to someone pouring corn syrup on some naked bodies and superimposing some flames to let you know the vampires are burning in hell.
It should be considered barely legal that this film got released in the first place. Believe it or not, itís actually had two, so all of you fledging film-makers out there, take heart: if something like this can secure multiple releases, thereís hope for all of you. The first release came as part of Mill Creekís Pendulum Pictures 50 movie packs (Tomb of Terrors to be precise), and anyone who is the least bit familiar with those releases knows thatís not the kind of cinematic company you want to keep. Chemical Burn Entertainment has gotten a hold of the film now and given it a standalone release for those of you who donít want to put up with 49 other crappy movies, I guess. Their release isnít really much better in terms of video and audio quality, but the filmís poor production qualities are more likely to blame for that. Chemical Burn does throw in some special features though, including some ďnever before seen dungeon scenes.Ē I can only imagine. And really, thatís all I want to do. Lesbian Vampires itself should have languished in a dungeon somewhere. Trash it!
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