Written by: Jason Williams & Tom Friedman (story), Tom Friedman & Karen Levitt (screenplay)
Directed by: Tom Kennedy
Starring: Ben Murphy, Nina Axelrod, Kevin Bropher, and Austin Stoker
Reviewed by: Brett G.
For centuries, he was trapped in a pharaoh's tomb. Now he is free.
Time Walker evokes two of the great mysteries of our time: Ben Murphy’s prolific career and the fate of King Tut. Regarding the former, it only serves to deepen the mystery; it does, however, offer an answer for the latter: what if the teenage pharaoh contracted a fatal, fungal disease from a fucking space alien? I do suppose that’d be less ignominious than succumbing to an ancient STD he got from an Egyptian hooker or whatever the working theory is at this point.
Better yet, what if said intergalactic traveler ended up mummified, only to find itself on the campus of a California science institute after it’s discovered by Ben Murphy? That’s exactly what happens here, and things actually go pretty swimmingly until some idiot decides to raid the spaceman’s tomb of some jewels. Then another bumbling undergrad screws up the intensity of an x-ray machine, which resurrects the space mummy, who proceeds to stalk a nearby campus in search of his stolen bling. Police suspect a fraternity prank (which would actually make for a great movie--it’d be like Weekend at Bernie’s meets Animal House meets The Mummy, or something), but Ben Murphy and his doctor buddy (Austin Stoker) suspect that the mummy will kill to retrieve his property.
They’re right, of course (mostly because Ben Murphy is infallible), and Time Walker ends up playing out like most “mummies shambling amok” movies that preceded it decades before. There was a neat trend in the 80s where sci-fi B-movies from the 40s and 50s were updated, often to great and shlocky effect in films like The Thing, The Fly, The Blob, and even Night of the Creeps. This particular effort doesn’t stand with those, not only because it sucks, but also because it actually plays out more like a tame creature feature from yesteryear. Aside from two pairs of super gratuitous breasts (even mummies can’t resist a girl taking a shower, it would seem), these are decidedly PG-rated thrills. Not that there are really a whole lot of thrills in this clumsily edited and goofily acted cheese ball that Joel and the bots were once forced to endure on MST3K (simply dropping that fact alone should suffice as a review, but I’ll soldier on for you, dear readers).
Leading the charge is Murphy, who will always be ruined for me personally due to his later brush with MST3K that saw the Satellite of Love crew skewer Riding with Death. In that cinematic pile-up, Murphy played a doofus truck driver with a huckster charm, and that sort of carries over here; he’s about as believable in the role of a scientist as Denise Richards was in that one Bond flick. He’s exceedingly earnest and resembles a poor man’s Timothy Bottoms (which unfortunately might make him the equivalent of a modern Timothy Bottoms). At any rate, cult favorite Austin Stoker (still rocking a fro like it’s 1975) fares much better as his assistant and should arguably be the lead. He might as well be anyway because the film is aggressive in its introduction of an ensemble of victims, so it’s not like Murphy really does much besides ponder the mystery that’s before him. More familiar faces are among that ensemble, such as Kevin Brophy, James Karen, and Nina Axelrod, who eventually decided it would be more fun to subject others to this type of shit, so she became a casting director for the likes of Fright Night 2 and the last two Critters movies.
The mummy really fits right in with the cast in terms of performance, as it sort of just glides along from scene to scene--literally. In a movie called Time Walker, the title character doesn’t walk at all, nor does it do anything involving time (besides waste it, maybe). I did like how it made use of its hovering ability to peep in on a naked girl, though. In one of the few inspired directing choices, the mummy is largely unseen for a while, and we instead see the world through his eyes, which seem to be filtered with a lime green Jello mold. He also seems to be powered by an Eveready flashlight, which allows him to glow with slight menace as he stalks the campus. Actually, said campus stalking is sort of undercooked, as the film shows a blatant disregard for the principles of Chekov’s gun. In this case, if you’re going to show a college costume party that’s fuelled by cheap beer and terrible music early on, your mummified ET better tear that shit up at some point. Instead, this ET just wanders around looking for his jewels, which resemble small disco balls that must be affixed to something resembling a Starfleet emblem. Did it come from a planet visited by Kirk and crew that worshipped the Bee Gees? I’m going to pretend so.
If you can’t tell, there’s a lot of fun to be had at the expense of Time Walker; I never saw this episode of MST3K, but I can only assume Best Brains had a blast with it too. I actually don’t think it’s nearly the worst movie they ever watched, as it’s short and quaint enough, what with its cheap special effects, poor continuity, and the like. But what’s more distressing than that is its cliffhanger ending, which we’re assured will be continued; shockingly, it never was, meaning Time Walker also left us with another great mystery for our age: just what happened to Ben Murphy and star mummy? Maybe that’s what the nerd from Friday the 13th Part VII was going to write about (he is surely Time Walker’s biggest fan). Shout Factory continues to scrape the bottom of the B-movie barrel by throwing this one onto their “Vampires, Mummies, & Monsters” collection, where it’s actually treated with the love and care of a great movie. Though it splits a disc with Grotesque, it receives a nice anamorphic transfer that makes the flick sparkle; meanwhile, the stereo track is a bit tinny and hollow, but intelligible enough. You’ll also get an interview with Kevin Brophy and producer Dimitri Villard along with the film’s trailer. I hope this release does so well that it reignites America’s love for Ben Murphy and prompts someone to finally conclude this epic saga with the release of Time Walker 2: Electric Walkaloo. Rent it!
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